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What do you think when you hear the word 'kink'? Likely something sexual. Potentially your mind goes straight to the taboo. Chains, whips, handcuffs? BDSM? 50 Shades of Grey (which, I will slip in here, is NOT a healthy or accurate depiction of the kink or BDSM scene).
What I’m sure did NOT come to mind is: Respect Trust Communication I see a lot of ‘power play’ & ‘power dynamics’ in all areas of life. Not just in the bedroom. Every relationship we have, whether it be with a sexual partner, a romantic partner, a friend, a colleague, a family member, will have some dynamic of power to it.
And a common ‘issue’ I see in a lot of these relationships, is the struggle for power. Less in the LGBTQ community. More between ‘men’ & ‘women.’
There’s always been a power dynamic between men and women. There are still, and highly likely always will be, conversations and conflicts around the patriarchy, feminism etc. But how does this play into relationships?
It’s the way we are so often made to believe we need to act in a relationship. There are gender norms, expectations, unwritten rules…
I spent 10 years, from 17 to 27, in a relationship with my last partner. And another two years with the same person before that, with just a small space of time in between. I didn’t have a lot of time in my adolescence or young adult life, when I wasn’t with the person I had grown up with. So, when I became ‘single’ for the first time as an adult, and had to step into the dating world…I had no idea what I was fu*king doing. I was terrified. I’d heard stories about red-flag men, fu*k-boys, the way men manipulate women. The advice I was given from those around me at the time was very clear:
Avoid fuckboys.
Don’t have s*x on the first date or you’ll never be respected.
Don’t tell them what you want – make them want you first.
Don’t double message. It looks desperate. And don’t message back for three days after the first date. Leave them thinking about you.
As someone who had never dated, had only really experienced relationship with men as friends, I couldn’t understand all these rules. For two reasons: 1. It sounded like this left a lot of room for misunderstanding. For ‘drama’ 2. I was single for the first-time in my adult life…I didn’t want a relationship. I wanted to 'explore.'
That was my first experience of the ‘constant power dynamic’ in relationships. The belief that men will manipulate and convince a woman into bed. I then started to see the other side of this power dynamic. Women who proudly shared the ‘lists’ of men they had slept with. Who they had USED for their own pleasure. It was a badge of honor – I got what I wanted out of this person, I didn’t consider how they felt and didn’t let myself care either. And this is where we could learn a lot from the kink scene. For those struggling to find the relationship they want with someone else. For those who feel they are in a constant battle of power and manipulation. For those who feel they need to follow these unwritten rules just to navigate the world that is ‘the other sex.’ Kink is the answer. I’m not saying you need to start blindfolding & whipping – or being blindfolded & whipped – on a first date to somehow find the lover, life-long partner or sex buddy you’ve been searching for (though I’m sure it wouldn’t ‘hurt’ 😉). Something the kink community does very, very well – is navigate power dynamics in relationships. They do these with three key values: COMMUNICATION SAFETY CONSENT Ever heard of SSC? How about RACK? You’ve probably heard the term ‘safe word.’ Think of RACK (risk-aware consensual kink) and SSC (safe, sane & consensual) as protocols which those in the kink community use when engaging with one another. It's a way to ensure all parties involved are treated with respect, openness, safety and care. Though there may be a power-dynamic in sexual acts (play) or in the relationships between people, the lines are very clear. There is no deceit, manipulation, there are no un-necessary games or battles for control. And THIS is what the dating world needs to see more of. This is what the men vs female relationship could benefit from. Open and honest communication. Clarity around expectations from all those involved. Respect for the safety and care of the other person, considerations for physical, emotional & psychological needs. And…pretty simple. Consent. This does NOT just apply to s*x. Rather, any interaction with another person. Communicate what you want. Be clear on your expectations of one another. Respect the other person and care for them enough to ensure they feel ‘safe’ - comfortable - in your company. Ensure anything you do, you are clear on the consent of the other person. Don’t manipulate, use, abuse, control, lie…be a half decent human being. Simple, right? When I got into the dating scene…wanting nothing more than a s*x-buddy. I came out with so much more. Ironically, I came out with a fiancé. And that was by breaking every rule in the unwritten book. My partner, did the same. We spoke daily. We constantly double messaged. Triple messaged, even. We were very clear on what both of us wanted from the other, from the moment we began talking – and didn’t feel a need to hide our intentions. We had s*x on the first date. I stayed over that night…and the next. We realised very quickly that we shared the same values and thirst for life. And though neither of us was exactly seeking a relationship – one formed organically. One where respect, openness, honesty and play, were the foundations of all that we did. I’m by no means a relationship expert. I’m not a counselor, therapist or s*x coach. I share this simply from my own perspective & experiences growing up, watching the engagement between men and women, being in the ‘thick of it’ – and wanting to share what I’ve learnt. So, here’s to a year of stronger relationships, less drama and no more ‘battle of the sexes.’ Just good times, good banter…and good s*x 😉
- Lauren
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